It's funny - I read that women look to chiseled-faced guys for one-night stands and to round-faced guys for marriage. When I'm rounder in the face I like to say 'This is my long-term look.' Or 'This is my wife-and-kids look right here.'

It's so funny because right now I'm very tired and my brains a little dead I tend to get very focused and serious. So I'm probably coming off a lot more like Scully right now.

Sometimes comics will make the observation that it's not jokes that are funny it's characters that are funny. And isn't that true! That's why I always kill jokes. I'm terrible at them because I get the joke right but I can't get the character right and it just goes down like a lead balloon.

On the stage you're there it's live. There's a beginning a middle an end. When something is funny you hear it right away.

It's funny how people who ain't never been down there can think that America is so fair and that we should be alright. It's funny that the people who have their foot on our neck are telling us 'Get up. What's wrong with you?'

Always remember your kid's name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers... for yourself. And when in doubt make funny faces.

I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time.

I love readings and my readers but the din of voices of the audience gives me stage fright and the din of voices inside whisper that I am a fraud and that the jig is up. Surely someone will rise up from the audience and say out loud that not only am I not funny and helpful but I'm annoying and a phony.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson who's really funny for a cartoonist obviously.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh they laugh right away.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I'm sorry if you were right I'd agree with you.

If two wrongs don't make a right try three.

All right everyone line up alphabetically according to your height.

If the chemistry is right between star and photographer and the geometry of the pictures pleases the star often the two people end up with a long-term professional friendship during which they continue to work together and to produce highly personal images.

Often the magical elements in my books are standing in for elements of the real world the small and magical-in-their-own-right sorts of things that we take for granted and no longer pay attention to like the bonds of friendship that entwine our own lives with those of other people and places.