When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

My doctor gave me six months to live but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Whenever a doctor cannot do good he must be kept from doing harm.

You may not be able to read a doctor's handwriting and prescription but you'll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Doctors will have more lives to answer for in the next world than even we generals.

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind the lawyer all the wickedness the theologian all the stupidity.

Doctors are just the same as lawyers the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.

Part of my training was learning how to refer patients to cardiologists for heart problems gastroenterologists for stomach issues and rheumatologists for joint pain. Given that most physicians were trained this way it's no wonder that the average Medicare patient has six doctors and is on five different medications.

It's hard for women to talk about these things and for the doctors to really talk about it too and to even have the knowledge of what's going on. That's why I'm doing this and urging women to speak out and talk to their doctors frankly.

When a doctor does go wrong he is the first of criminals. He has nerve and he has knowledge.

Illness is the doctor to whom we pay most heed to kindness to knowledge we make promise only pain we obey.