A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.

God's plan for enlarging His kingdom is so simple - one person telling another about the Savior. Yet we're busy and full of excuses. Just remember someone's eternal destiny is at stake. The joy you'll have when you meet that person in heaven will far exceed any discomfort you felt in sharing the gospel.

To love someone means to see him as God intended him.

Someone's sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago.

A garden requires patient labor and attention. Plants do not grow merely to satisfy ambitions or to fulfill good intentions. They thrive because someone expended effort on them.

Mitt Romney has never been resigned to what someone else said was possible. He cut his own path. That's why he believes in his heart that America has a future full of opportunity and hope. And that's why when Mitt Romney looks down the road he sees a country that's ready for a comeback.

I couldn't wait to look at someone who shared my genes. I thought my baby was going to provide a decoder key to my past. But then I looked at Pippa and realized no she's actually the key to my future.

If younger people see older people who haven't planned ahead and have to rely on charity the young will be more likely to provide for the future. Today when someone plans poorly the only consequence people see is a demand for more government.

To love someone is to isolate him from the world wipe out every trace of him dispossess him of his shadow drag him into a murderous future. It is to circle around the other like a dead star and absorb him into a black light.

Control your own destiny or someone else will.

Let others lead small lives but not you. Let others argue over small things but not you. Let others cry over small hurts but not you. Let others leave their future in someone else's hands but not you.

I remember interviewing someone I actually felt bad for and therefore didn't want to take an ironic stance against him. It actually turned out to be a really funny piece.

Sometimes you have to take the focus off of you and put it on someone else and it's funny what you can accomplish and how much strength you really have.

I'm not a believer in the pratfall. I don't think it's funny just to have someone fall down.

Mmmm... the comedy that matters is the comedy you pull out of thin air. It's a bit like when something funny has happened and you try to explain it to someone else and end up saying 'You had to be there.'

The key is just to ignore the pain because physical comedy only works if you see someone get hurt and they aren't actually hurt. If someone gets hit in the face with a bat falls down and gets back up it's funny. If they stay down and their jaw is wired shut in the next scene it's really tragic and weird. You have to pretend it doesn't hurt.

Straight men just can't imagine the bliss of being in a relationship with someone who finds farting as funny as they do.