When I was a little kid all I wanted to do was to escape what I thought was the country and get to a city. Probably film and television had influenced me so much I really thought the key to happiness was living a very artificial life in a penthouse in New York with martini glasses.

She's probably in denial that she's a great big ball of insecurity and I'm quite well aware that I am one.

My eyesight is not nearly as good. My hearing is probably going away. My memory is slipping too. But I'm still around.

Many of you are well enough off that the tax cuts may have helped you. We're saying that for America to get back on track we're probably going to cut that short and not give it to you. We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good.

The romantic love we feel toward the opposite sex is probably one extra help from God to bring you together but that's it. All the rest of it the true love is the test.

You know what the Englishman's idea of compromise is? He says Some people say there is a God. Some people say there is no God. The truth probably lies somewhere between these two statements.

As the poet said 'Only God can make a tree ' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

If the grace of God miraculously operates it probably operates through the subliminal door.

Without a Mayaguez or something comparable that we don't see in the immediate future there is probably no one thing the President can do to himself to turn this situation around.

I really hope that we'll have a sustainable future on this planet I really do. So I probably geek out mostly about learning more about how potentially we can hopefully make that happen hopefully we're not too far lost.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

The funny thing is the songs that people think are about me probably aren't. And the songs that are probably are the ones they wouldn't think... so that's where it kind of is funny.

It's so funny because right now I'm very tired and my brains a little dead I tend to get very focused and serious. So I'm probably coming off a lot more like Scully right now.

And at the time it is funny how you can look at something and say for example with my shoulder injury when it first happened I said this is the worst thing that could happen to me. Why me why now? Now I look back and say it was probably the best thing that happened to me.

When I was a kid I didn't feel like I fit in because - this is really silly and I probably shouldn't say it but I didn't think anything was funny. So I used to go home and literally cry to my mom and my step-dad at the time and I didn't think anything was funny. I couldn't laugh.

Here is my prescription to heal all wounds. Watch the film 'Funny Girl' at least five times eat at least 45 chocolate bars and hang out with all those friends you blew off to hang out with your ex. I truly believe that through a combination of Nutella old pals and Barbra Streisand we can achieve happiness and very probably world peace.

It's funny. People often compare me to other humor essayists. They're usually quite nice comparisons I will accept those gladly. But I am always sort of appalled at the idea of being lumped with other more chick-y female writers. And the truth is probably that neither comparison is accurate.